Really. This post is not about Tiger Woods.

If you saw Real Time With Bill Maher Friday night, or read the written version of his closing “New Rules” segment — which is more what this post is about — you might think this is about Tiger Woods, just like you might have thought it was just Woods (and, “sex addiction”) that Maher was talking about. But this is about Buddhism, and it’s about how people perceive and talk about it.

I’ve been getting some guff from people for covering the Tiger Woods/Buddhism affair on Shambhala SunSpace, here, and elsewhere. People think it’s “tabloidy” to cover it, that it’s all about celebrity. My argument, though, is that if the Buddhist media isn’t covering it, other media, who don’t necessarily understand Buddhism very well, will be framing the discussion of Buddhism. And that’s what Maher did with his “New Rule.”

And, as with the whole “Tiger Woods and/or Brit Hume” discussion, the reason it’s important to talk about such things is because, if we don’t, then the mistaken ideas that are put forth by media figures (well-meaning or not) are sure to remain out there, and to then be mistaken as not-incorrect by others.

I should say: I have a lot of admiration for Maher. I feel like his politics often represent my own, I think he’s uncommonly inventive and funny, I think he’s generally well-informed, and I admire his bravery; the man comes out and says things that people often just aren’t brave enough to say. (He’s also a damned good stand-up.) But some of the things he’s now said/wrote about Buddhism — much like what Howard Stern said the other day — are just plain off, satire or not, and should be addressed.

Or at least that’s how I see it. My question is, what about you?

Here are some excerpts of what Maher said. To be fair, you should really read all of what he said, for complete context, but here’s the ending, the part I wanted to address, for reference:

[Buddhism] really is outdated in some ways — the “Life sucks, and then you die” philosophy was useful when Buddha came up with it around 500 B.C., because back then life pretty much sucked, and then you died – but now we have medicine, and plenty of food, and iPhones, and James Cameron movies – our life isn’t all about suffering anymore. And when we do suffer, instead of accepting it we try to alleviate it.

Tiger said, “Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves” makes us unhappy, which confirms something I’ve long suspected about Eastern religions: they’re a crock, too.

Craving for things outside ourselves is what makes life life — I don’t want to learn to not want, that’s what people in prison have to do. Buddhism teaches suffering is inevitable. The only thing that’s inevitable is that if you have fake boobs and hair extensions, Tiger Woods will try to fuck you.

And reincarnation? Really? If that were real, wouldn’t there be some proof by now? A raccoon spelling out in acorns, “My name is Herb Zoller and I’m an accountant.” …something?

People are always debating, is Buddhism a religion or a philosophy: it’s a religion. You’re a religion if you do something as weird as when the Buddhist monks scrutinize two-year-olds to find the reincarnation of the dude who just died, and then choose one of the toddlers as the sacred Lama: “His poop is royal!” Sorry, but thinking you can look at a babbling, barely-housebroken, uneducated being and say, “That’s our leader” doesn’t make you enlightened. It makes you a Sarah Palin supporter.

Again, as with what Stern said the other day — beyond also being the work of a professional humorist-slash-curmudgeon — there’s some fair reasoning to what Maher is saying here. On paper, from a non-Buddhist’s point of view, these are valid questions and points. But if you’re a Buddhist — and I’m not talking about being “offended” here — you just know that a lot of what Maher’s talking about is off the mark.

I won’t address it all here, but for example: whatever you do or don’t think about reincarnation, many Buddhists would agree that the more important hallmark of Buddhism is its capacity to help us to discover our capacity for re-birth, to help us wake to the way the world is in this moment, with an enhanced — less conditioned, more connected — clarity. Some Buddhists might place a strong emphasis on literal reincarnation, but all, I’d venture to say, are much more concerned with this very life we have now.

That’s a much more important point. Isn’t it?

And yes, the “medicine, food, iPhones, and James Cameron movies” that Maher holds up as examples of how we suffer less these days are very much part of many of our lives these days. Sounds like progress, for sure. But honestly, aren’t the latter two items in this list (as examples) more emblematic of how we escape from the down and dirty — but incredibly valuable — business of looking reality in the face? Don’t get me wrong; I love my gadgets and I love a good film. But how often do we dive into interfacing with these as ways to distant ourselves from others — and from the unsatisfactoriness we perceive in ourselves?

What Maher is missing, to my mind, is that what the Buddha — and so many who have learned from his example — discovered is that there is much to be gained from appreciating all of the aspects of life: the medicine, the movies, the difficult times, the quiet times. Because when the power goes out and you’re left without your iPhone or a movie-world to escape to, it’s a fine, fine thing to be able to be just as happy as you were before everything went black.

It’s not about “Life sucks and then you die.” It’s about, in the Buddha’s words, “suffering and the end of suffering.” And that’s always worth talking about.

Right?

Or am I losing my sense of humor?

Let me know. Thanks.

[By the way: as with many posts here on The Worst Horse, you'll also find this post on Shambhala SunSpace, where a bunch of other comments have come in.]

One had to wonder, after all the hubbub, if Tiger Woods’ much-publicized post-scandal media statement today would address his Buddhist practice. Well, yes, it did:

“I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path, for me, is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don’t realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously, I lost track of what I was taught. As I move forward, I will continue to receive help, because I’ve learned that that’s how people really do change.”

Update: Tida Woods, the golfer’s mom, had this to say about her son’s rededication to Buddhist practice:  “Buddhism teaches you to go deep inside your soul and look through from himself, and correct the bad thing to be a good thing. When he realized, he said okay, and went back to practice Buddhism and that will make him a much better person.”

For my ongoing coverage of the media-circus surrounding Woods’ Buddhism (versus Brit Hume’s suggestions that he convert to Christianity), click here.

Update: CNN has posted a new piece (featured on its homepage as of Friday evening): Tiger Woods’ apology brings new attention to Buddhism

A new piece on PopEater asks what it is that’s keeping Alex Rodriguez’s — um –  “bat” — um — “on fire.” So, why might the Yankee hitter be doing so well?

PopEater actually got a respected Buddhist academic to weigh in near the top of the article:

Kate (along with her mama Goldie) is a tried-and-true Buddhist and the Eastern religion’s influence could be bolstering A-Rod’s game.

“Buddhism encourages calm and concentration and helps to reduce the overly narcissistic idea of the self,” explains Dr. David Germano, Associate Professor of Buddhism and Tibetan Studies at the University of Virginia to PopEater. “This can help a person to immerse themselves in the interdependent flow of relationships on the playing field.”

Well said, Dr. Germano. Too bad this notion disappears with PopEater’s next paragraph:

“Or, perhaps it’s the great, movie star sex.”

Update: The New York Post is claiming that A-Rod is “trying Buddhism on for size.”

Well, not anymore. From the Watertown (MA) TAB:

An undercover officer entered Zen Massage at 10 Mt. Auburn St. and was offered to engage in sex in exchange for a fee. Soucier also did not have the proper license for her massage parlor.

Zen Massage appeared on a message board on Oct. 9. A customer detailed a visit in which a masseuse charged extra to be naked while she massaged him and talked dirty. The massage cost him $80 and the “extras” $100.

As someone who’s studied/practiced/loved Zen, and is married to a massage therapist (legit!), I’m doubly offended.

That ain’t cool!

PS: Apologies for the tacky post title. But it’s better than the one I was gonna go with: “Dharma-Burger, hold the ____!”

(You can fill in that blank yourself.)

The world’s first 3D pornographic movie, featuring “some of the most realistic close-up sex scenes ever” (ewwww) is being set for a Christmas ’09 release. Produced in Hong Kong, the film is reportedly based on the 17th century Chinese erotic classic “The Carnal Prayer Mat.” More here.

Props to the awesome Molly De Shong of the also-awesome Shambhala SunSpace for reporting on this find, via the most credible of sources — The Weekly World News. A natural follow-up on the Playboy/Virgin Mary controversy, right?

Click here for the full story.

Really, we did not make that quote up. Here’s the actual story, via Breitbart/AFP.

Good old Tom A. sends this one:

“Yo, I saw this chair on one of Zen By Design’s webpages and thought ‘what the hell?’  It looked like a chair that Woody Allen found impossible to properly sit on when he was whisked into the future in Sleeper. THEN, I discovered the pleasures of the Tantra Chair. Yes, the Tantra Chair.  Lie back, my lovely. Screw meditation while I nibble on your neck.”

Crazy. Thanks much, Tom!

By the way, readers — If you think this photo’s a little too racy, you might not want to visit the site, where “position guides” show actual naked people using the Chair, both indoors and “poolside.” Thankfully, no Buddha statues were included in those shoots.

There are even mildly explicit videos, each a bit ridiculous, but none more than this one with — ahem – “tantric music.”

That’s what reader/friend Amy suggested when she passed this video on.

The video is by Patrick, who teaches at YogaGarden in Japan. And while many people have clearly benefited from Patrick’s simple approach, it’s clear that Amy is not the only one who sees other merits here. Comments from the video’s YouTube page:

“My girlfriends are passing this link around with the subject line ‘Buddhist Eye Candy’… um, yeah…yum!”

“Love your videos Patrick! They’re thorough, yet fun to watch. Or maybe that’s because you’re super cute to boot! ”

“Sexy motherflipper!”

Hey: whatever it takes.

Nice job, Patrick.

Q: What does this have to do with Buddhism?

A: Nothing! (Of course.) Though it might cause some of us to recall the third precept.

So what’s it doing here?

Well, it was found whilst stumbling through music blogs, and this album by exotica musician Martin Denny caught my eye… for some reason. Looking at the list of songs, two titles (titles, I said!) jumped out: “Burma Train,” and “Buddhist Bells.” So I gave it a listen.

Good fun, but there’s pretty much nothing Buddhist about it.

But browsing has its rewards, and other Dharma-Burger-rific album covers were found.

Here are some more:

This one’s the cover for Lotus, by Santana. This was a live album recorded in Japan and released in 1974. Recorded in Japan, so it gets a Buddhist-y cover? Sure, why not.

I don’t have anything to say about the music here because I can’t stand Santana. Sorry.

Next up is A Meditation Mass, recorded by the funky German psychedelic band (the term for this kind of music is, really, “krautrock”), Yatha Sidra. Haven’t heard it yet, but it sounds like it’s gonna be pretty nutty and fun.

(In case you can’t make it out, the album’s cover is comprised of a close-shot of the Buddhist Wheel of Life, with some seriously goofy text laid over it.)

You can here it here, where I found it.

Last up is the cover for an album called Karma, by a band called Buffalo. How much does it have to do with karma, much less Buddhism? Dunno yet. But my guess is that, since it’s being compared to metal bands like Kyuss, Slayer, Corrosion Of Conformity (all of whom I like) and Alabama Thunderpussy (whose name is one of the most embarrassing of all time), I don’t think it’s gonna be much like, say, going on a silent retreat. Hear it here.