Giant thanks to reader Eliza J, who sends a Dharma-Burger so classic, so obvious, so typical, that I’m kinda ashamed I haven’t posted it before:

It’s one of those full-page tabloid/rag ads. (This one just happens to be from the “John Edwards scandal” issue of The National Enquirer.) You gotta love the headline. You gotta love the copy. Some key examples:

[The lead/lede:] You may have read about the Buddha. About how the Buddha is “famous” for bringing great wealth and extraordinary riches to anyone who rubs his generous belly.

Documented fact: In just the past year, many people, after rubbing the Buddha, have won Millions upon Millions of Dollars in the Lottery!

[And here are some prime snippets from elsewhere in the ad:]

Look closely at the Buddha. Very closely.

Can you feel a mystical, magical power radiating from this beloved figure? Can you sense a pulsating energy? Can you feel a captivating aura? An electrifying power of attraction? A dynamic, unstoppable force? A dazzling ascent to good fortune and prosperity?

[...] As actually reported by major newspapers and national TV on September 28, 2006, the organizers of a lottery pool at a Wisconsin cheese factory had tried good luck charms for 3 years.

Then a worker suggested rubbing the belly of a Buddha statue. … They won a $208.6 MILLION POWERBALL JACKPOT…

Why can’t YOU also have the same experience as the Wisconsin cheese workers — and rub the Buddha to win money? … Do you think you are a lesser person than anyone who has rubbed the Buddha to win money?

…Once the Buddha is in your possession, do this: Hold the legendary Buddha in your right hand. Then slowly, very slowly, rub the Buddha’s famed belly in slow circles with your left hand.

And you may be amazed at what happens. Joyful. Rapturous. Ecstatic. Thrilled beyond belief.

Key word: may.

But come on: that copy is SO over-the-top, so stoopid, that it’s almost good. Frankly, I could read pages and pages of that crap.

And you gotta love the “coupon” section where you check off the box next to “I WANT TO RUB THE BUDDHA! Here’s just $20.”

Wotta bargain. We’re all gonna be RICH!

Thanks again, Eliza!

We all owe you a cut of our winnings.