Did you see this week’s episode of South Park? Well, you should’ve. Go ahead, click this link and watch it.

I’ll wait.

…So, okay, maybe you didn’t watch it just now, or on TV, but I hope you did, because if you’re a Worst Horse reader, that episode was for you. “Huh?,” you ask? “How could South Park have something to do with Buddhism, pop-culture, and/or subculture?” Well…

This week’s episode (“The Ungroundable”) had a lot to say to Worst Horses like you and me. Don’t get me wrong — Dharma might be everywhere, and yes, main writer/genius/skeptic Trey Parker has some sympathy for Buddhism (hence his work on Alan Watts-related films and the cameos that “Buddha” has made on South Park over the years), but this episode’s content wasn’t about Dharma, per se, but rather the kind of co-optation that the Horse (and by extension, you) always keeps an eye on. Let’s recap, without giving too much away:

“The Ungroundable” begins with the ever-lovable, ever-gullible character Butters announcing to his friends, “We have a problem…. There’s vampires in the school.” In fact, the “South Park Vampire’s Club” is in full effect; straight-A, former preppy kid Mike Mikowski (“Don’t call me Mike… my name is Vampyr now”) is the “head vampire,” leading a group of likewise straight-A, former preppy kids who have discovered the trendy joys of dressing in black and pretending to be “dark,” per se. (If my recurring use of “per se” is annoying, watch the episode. You’ll be saying it, too.) …All that dressing up and posing is fine and harmless, right? Well, not if you’re one of South Park’s “Goth Kids.”

The Goth Kids are distressed (and, of course, depressed) by Mike and his ersatz coven:

“Why are those kids dressed like that all of the sudden? Are they trying to be Goth?”

“No, they’re Vamp. They wear plastic fangs and drink freaking Clamato juice.”

“But they can’t dress like that. That’s our style.”

Meanwhile, disaffected by the abuse that waits for him at home, Butters tries to join up with the “vampires,” because, as he reasons, “vampires get to do whatever they want.” And the South Park Vampire’s Club is only too happy to oblige him — they want as many people to be just like them as there can be. The Goths aren’t having it, though: “I do not want to be grouped in with some douchey little vampire kids,” protests the unnamed “fat” Goth girl of the bunch. But as far as the rest of their school is concerned, they’re all cut from the same black-and-filigree cloth. “I appreciate that you’re trying to be cool,” Principal Victoria tells the Goth Kids during a sit-down in her office, “because vampires are the ‘In’ thing right now.”

Finally, the disgusted Goth Kids are led to the source that creates and emboldens all of South Park’s new Vampire Kids: Hot Topic. What is Hot Topic? Well, that depends who you ask. If you ask one of the many Kids of Today who have embraced the faux-vampire (and/or faux-punk) culture that actually is taking some hold of them, it’s the mall-based store that sustains their lifestyle choice. If you ask the real Goth Kids of today, they’ll tell you that Hot Topic is the mall-based store that has taken everything that they believe in and twisted it into something marketable. Something “hip.” Something commercial, something compromised by our tendency towards capitalism without heart. Something co-optable.

If you’re not sure what this has to do with Buddhism and the kind of ground that the Horse is trying to till, ask yourself: “Am I a Goth or a Vampire?” You’re likely neither in actuality. But go ahead and transpose yourself into “The Ungroundable”‘s equation: Are you really into Buddhism and what it teaches, or are you, as the kids like to say, a poseur?

My guess is that if you’re reading this right now, you’re no poseur. Rather, you’ve found the Dharma in one way or another and it speaks to you. You’re totally okay with others finding out about it, so long as their motivation doesn’t have nefarious (or overly commercial) roots. You don’t want to keep it to yourself, but you also don’t want it to be something people claim for themselves just because that’s the “In” thing to do.

The so-called vampires of our world are made in the likeness of the blood-suckers who most want and need them: marketers. Marketers with no true connection to that which they market take something legitimate (Goth, Buddhism, what-have-you) and turn it into something “hip.” Just like the South Park Vampire’s Club, just like Hot Topic — and unlike true Dharma practitioners in every way — they’re missionaries, proselytizing and converting every gullible soul they can in the name of what’s “hip” or “cool.” When it comes to conformity and dollars, the more the merrier. True belief, true connection to what’s being sold is unnecessary — and probably even a hindrance.

I know where I stand. (And not just ’cause I grew up punk with some mildly Goth tendencies.) I see what the Dharma has to offer and I know there’s growth and profit in it. Sure, there are some companies that could be accused of “selling” the Dharma. But for the best of them, “profit” is something that goes way beyond money, way beyond “commercial.” It’s personal. They understand, first-hand, the power of Buddhism’s transformative teachings. They keep going, even in hard times, even when their bank statements are in the red. They’re our Goth Kids, grown older and wiser. Yes, South Park‘s Goth Kids may smoke too much and drink too much coffee, but there’s sincerity in their hearts. And that’s what matters.

Worst Horses are more concerned with those who are tweaking and marketing Buddhism for personal, social, or financial gains, without regard to the Dharma’s integrity. Faddism and the making of a buck are easy. Just look at Hot Topic’s grasp on kids today. Not that those who fall under any marketer’s spell are to blame; they’re helplessly up against a well-moneyed arsenal.

But like South Park‘s Goth Kids, we can decide not to just stand by while the things we love are bogarted. We can preemptively take charge and not let people reduce what we believe in into something that’s merely “hip,” “trendy,” or “marketable.” The Goth Kids are cool if you want to join their circle. But don’t you dare co-opt what matters to them. They’ll burn your place right to the ground. Those businesses that work in service of the Dharma — or legit Goths, for that matter — deserve the support of their specialized clientele. The real poseurs are those who would capitalize on a culture or sub-culture and then discard their tenuous connections to it when it’s no longer hip.

If you think Hot Topic has a “pro-Vampire” agenda, you’ve been hoodwinked. They’ve got a pro-whatever-what-sells agenda. That kind of business model isn’t gonna work on the Goths, and it’s not gonna work on those who love the Dharma, either.

If the non-mindful marketing of Buddhism is going to continue, if the Dharma-Burgers continue to pile up, well, that’s the market talking. But as we’ve all recently learned all too well, the market is volatile, fad-based bullshit. Real commitment — real Dharma — is anything but.

Buddhist Goth or Buddhist Vampire: which are you?